Is your life not going anywhere? Tired of middle management? Are you in your late twenties, early thirties, single and still living in an apartment the size of a coffin in some beehive like complex in suburbia? Are you fed up with lonely nights of Japanime and pining for a dream girl that doesn’t exist?
If you’re like most Americans, this is your life. But it doesn’t have to be. We here at Surviving the Golden Age have exciting news that will revolutionize the way you live. Insound has re-issued the Walkmen debut album, Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me is Gone on vinyl. But don’t take our word for it, let’s see what the people are saying about it.
Debra H. in Little Five Points, Atlanta had this to say:
Before the Walkmen, I was a pretty normal person with a college degree and a stable job. But after the Walkmen, I sold everything I owned, moved into the city and started a great new career as a bar waitress/bike courier.
And here’s Jeff C. in Williamsburg, NYC:
I was in a rut, I really was. Until Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me, came along I had a laughable sex life and a decent haircut. Now, I own a bike repair/sashimi take-out/organic pet food store and date a revolving door of foreign born beauties.
Now that we’ve heard the buzz surrounding the Walkmen, I have a question: How much would you expect to pay for this record? $89.99? HA! Maybe at some other places. For the low, one time only payment of $18.99 you too can change your life.
And that’s not all. Every copy of Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me is Gone, includes 14 tracks of heady, retro instrumentation, bone crushing lyrics, and hipster credibility, ushering you to “Wake Up!” over haunting piano leads and dead fuzz guitars. With hits like “We’ve Been Had,” “Rue the Day,” and, “Revenge Wears no Wristwatch,” you’ll be the envy of every emotionally inclined, musically obsessed kid on the gentrified block.
But wait, there’s more!
That’s right, every single copy of “Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me,” includes dashing, artistic facial hair. That’s right facial hair! And if you order today, you can be one of only a thousand to receive the vinyl re-issue. And once these go, there gone! So don’t delay.*
*Shipping and handling not included, side effects may include irony, dating adult women that resemble teenage boys, a preference for Russian novelists and bad poetry, unemployment, starting a band that starts a movement that shakes up the music industry, drunk dialing ex’s at inappropriate hours, poor fashion choices and caffeine dependency.